Chocolate and Vicodin

*source*

Last night was so amazing. I got the book "Chocolate and Vicodin: My quest for relief from the headache that wouldn't go away" by Jennette Fulda out from the library. I started it last night and after just reading the first chapter I truly felt like I wrote it. It was literary deja vu if you will! lol. I stayed up wayyyyy too late reading because I just couldn't put it down- I am already 105 pages in! Please go get this book. It is like reading your own life, which makes it erie in a way. But reassuring as well.

I think I am going to go out and buy this book for my parents and my sister. It is a great way for them to see that it isn't just me. (I don't think they fully understand the extent of what I am going through). As a matter of fact I want everyone to read it. It makes me want to open up myself and actually share my blog with my friends and family. I don't know what it is that changed me considering I talk to my wonderful support club friends about this life of ours every day. But this book hit me on a very deep level.  I guess her openness with the world about her debilitating, invisible, chronic illness just inspires me so much.  She is so brave.  I want to be that brave.  I can't stop thinking about this book. I feel as though she must be my long lost twin sister who shared my story since I didn't have the guts. weird I know. but true.

Every bit of this book felt like it was my story, beginning to end.  Like it was ripped out of the pages of my diary, only Jennette is much funnier ;)  I wish I could go out and meet her in real life, to have such a parallel life with another individual that I have never met before- crazy.

bye bye anxiety

Isn't that the truth!

I have had so much anxiety, it has been eating me up alive.  I am naturally a homebody, but this was getting ridiculous.  If I had more then one thing on my plate I would freak out.  I seriously had no idea how on earth i was going to get it done along with taking care of the house and the children.  When the kids would misbehave it was like it was the end of the world.  I just couldn't keep things in perspective.  I know it is a combination of the side effects of my new medications and just the plain old stress of my ON and TN.  But no matter how much i tried to keep it all together, I couldn't.

I finally brought it up to my Dr. after having a major melt down to Scott about it all and she put me on an anti-anxiety drug called Celexa.  I have been on it since the middle of June and can I just tell you this- I feel like a NEW WOMAN!  I don't feel spacey or strange.  I don't feel emotionless or any of those feelings I was afraid I would feel being on an anti-anxiety pill.  I actually don't feel like I am on anything at all as a matter of fact.  I just feel like AMIE is back.  I don't get stressed out anymore.  I rarely get so overwhelmed with the kids that i need to yell.  I just feel so much happier and at ease.  Thank you again Dr. D!  Hopefully i won't need to be on it forever, but at least right now while I am coming to terms with my conditions, this is a good place to be.

It hurts so good

ANYONE ELSE HAVE THIS? I have been getting this feeling where I just NEED to have my hair pulled, and hard. (no S&M guys, I promise. lol) The feeling of having my hair pulled all over my head is such a release and almost like having a head massage. Usually I can't have lots of head touching because of my Trigger Point Syndrome along with the ON. But lately I want it the other way around. I was doing it to myself for a while and then I finally asked Scott to do it for me. You should have seen his face when I asked him the first time. lol. But oh man, it feels so good yet is intense. Or as my physical therapist says "It hurts so good".

What did Momma Tomato say to Baby Tomato?

....Ketchup!  

Yeah, I know it is a bad joke.  At least I am keeping a sense of humor, right? lol


I am so, so mad at myself. I forgot to take my morning dose of pills TWO DAYS IN A ROW. Now my face feels like it is on fire, my legs ache like I ran a marathon (and trust me. I don't run.) and I want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon. Now I know I can't do this to myself. My tegertol dose is much too high for me to drop so low so quickly. But it was complete forgetfulness. There was even a point today when I was sitting at my kitchen table and I thought to myself "Amie, I dont think you took your pills today." Now did I get up to check? NOPE. argggggg. So now I suffer. What a dummy.

On another note. I am very proud of myself. At my last blogging event I admitted to everyone that I have a neurological headache disorder and even have a blog for it. There were about 15 people there so it was a big step for me. Telling people that I know in real life about this part of me. I know I shouldn't be so nervous. But I am!  It really is silly, I know.  But I am getting there.  Baby steps.

Yesterday I found out that my dear friend and neighbor has a brain tumor.  It has been the cause of her CDH for the past 10 months.  She finally pushed to get some answers and goodness, answers she got.  She came over this afternoon for some coffee and to fill me in on her condition.  I know a while back I said at one point I wished I had a tumor instead of my ON/TN.  Shame on me.  She is being so brave.  So, So Brave. But I am terribly scared for her.  It is in the frontal part of her brain, the best place to get it if you are going to get a brain tumor.  And it is easily operable and easily removable.  But goodness, it is still brain surgery.  Dear Lord please take after my sweet friend.  This all just hits so close to home.